Friday, September 09, 2005

What I've learned from Celtic Folktales

1. You know that yogic contortion involving a bathtub, a goat, and a spear that the oracle told you would be bad for your health, and at the time you thought to yourself, “Well, that should be easy to avoid.”? Don’t demonstrate it for the new girlfriend; she does not have your best interests at heart.

2. Avoid beautiful women singing in trees; avoid beautiful men singing anywhere.

3. Avoid beautiful women in general—go for the plain one with lots of cows, no jealous sisters, and a visible lack of male relatives of any kind.

4. If you come across a very large fish in clear pond in the dell and it speaks to you, contrary to what you might otherwise think, it will be good advice or at least reliable information.

5. If you are an unusually large porcine animal, don’t carry a grooming set between your ears. It will attract unwanted attention.

6. Jumping over branches of mistletoe can cause spontaneous pregnancy (even if it’s your first time).

7. Size does matter.

8. The guy with the biggest bull wins. See above.

9. Unusually intelligent or talking animals are probably somebody’s relative and do not make good pets. Their families (and a large number of well-armed friends) are looking for them. You may want to ask yourself if you really want to be around when they find them.

10. If your generations-old, bred-in-the-bone, orders-to-kill-on-sight enemies invite you over to their place for dinner, think twice. They have probably not had a sudden and unexpected change of heart or converted to Buddhism.

The bonus one: If you are a giant/king/supernatural being and you have a really beautiful daughter and some git with a claymore wants to marry her…just say, “YES!”. Throw a big party, embrace the guy, make him one of the family. It may not help, but it’s your best chance. Good luck.

Thanks to Jim Macdonald of Making Light for the inspiration and to Chris for the linkage.

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